(featured pic from: https://www.covermesongs.com/2021/07/five-good-covers-the-middle-jimmy-eat-world.html)
So yesterday I was having a heated discussion with my partner about how they talk/communicate. We’ve had issues ever since our kiddo was born, and thankfully we’re both in therapy. Major kudos to him for doing therapy, because I would have left his ass years ago if he didn’t start. But that’s not what this blog is about.
This is about being a contrarian. It’s about not writing yourself off yet (thank you Jimmy Eat World). And I think there’s something very interesting between me and my partner, because we’re both kinda the same, but at different points along our journey. He was able to be open with me yesterday, and one thing that he shared is that he’s trying to care less about what other people think of him.
Now, if you know me irl, you know that I don’t give a flying fuck what people think, and that’s only gotten stronger as I’ve gotten older. Unfortunately, my partner has struggled with looking outwards for confidence and appreciation, and not inwards. Not only do I not understand his perspective, I actually find it disgusting. Like, I’m disgusted at the thought of having someone other than myself hold my worth. And I think this has to do with our personality differences vis a vis with how our early childhood was.
I was always a well-behaved person, but ever since I can remember I’ve always held a part of myself back, keeping it private. Away from the world, in a safe and secure spot. For a long time, I wouldn’t open myself up at all, but that’s changed. But there’s always been this sense that I get to decide who I am, and what I do. And I think for my partner, he’s has toed the line more than me and has gained a decent level of career success, but at a cost where he’s seeking outside validation.
I never fit in in my youth. Partly because I was so self conscious. But also, because I kept so much of myself secret. Even now, I so much prefer being alone because people just aren’t safe to me. And while there’s a bit of stuff that’s twisted, I think that keeping to myself has created a sense of space in my internal dialogue where I don’t fear other’s opinions because I just simply don’t care.
I’ve been on a recent journey from a dark hole, coming out from it. It started last year and I’m in a much better place now. But when I decided that I’d had enough of despair, I was probably almost 200 pounds. I’m 5’7’’ for reference. So, I was heavy, and I’ve never been that heavy before and I had a certain level of shame for being as big as I was.
Something else about me is that I need exercise to regulate my body. So last year I decided to start playing racket sport again. In high school I was good at tennis and now I wanted to pickup padel.
But I cannot tell you how hard it was to go to a new court and meet new people at my heavy weight. For a while, like two winters ago I didn’t do any exercise because I wanted to lose weight beforehand. That never worked, and I found myself just before my 40th birthday overweight. I decided last June that fuck it, I was going to exercise because it makes my body feel so good and that I wasn’t going to worry about weight loss in the immediate future.
So I joined a local padel club and they made it easy to book courts with their padel club management software, and I just started going. And I was embarrassed. I was out of breath, I had to buy new workout clothes, and I was just sooo sweaty. But I kept going, even playing throughout the winter, three times a week.
Now? Now it’s been a year, and ever since Janurary, I’ve lost a kilo per month. I have muscles in my arms again! And my body is slowly taking it’s old shape back. And this whole time, three times a week I’ve had to face my fears of being the fat person on the court. And you know what? I’ve fucking did it because I don’t care about what people think. I don’t care if they think I’m fat, they don’t know the hell in which I’ve been living. And if they’re mean of snobby? I write them off, because whose mean to people just because of how their body looks? That’s like the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.
So sorry for going on and on. But I’ve realized something about myself from my partner and I’s argument, that I am squarely a contrarian. And if you’re stuck in a hard space, don’t write yourself off yet. It’s only in your head. It just takes some time.